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Celebrity Smackdown 2: Perez Hilton vs. will.i.am.
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Monday, June 29th, 2009 at 3:23 pm
by Bear Frazer
wiredimages.com
Yeah, I know. Perez Hilton isn’t a celebrity. He’s a “web-lebrity.” Whatever. Anyways this “web-lebrity” has been talking trash and drawing penises on celebrity’s mug shots for years, probably to compensate for something he lacks. Now the weenie-doodles have finally caught up with him as the so-called “gossip gangster” got into an altercation with a non-gangsta rapper at the MUCH Music Awards in Toronto.
Here’s what went down, the quick version: During a show rehearsal, Hilton was confronted by Fergie who called the blogger out on his meanness. Blog-boy supposedly complimented the “Dutchess” numerous times, and then later, complained to the media about the hip-pop group because someone from their entourage “aggressively” bumped into him. No boo-boo was reported. Later at an after party, Fergie again approached the prima donna. This led to will.i.am. getting involved and the two exchanged some words. Still no boo-boo reported.
The shit finally hit the fan at the Cobra Nightclub when Perez Hilton shouted gay slurs towards the BEP rapper. Then will.i.am’s manager clocked Hilton in the mug numerous times. The “gossip gangster” would leave with Lady GaGa, her bodyguard and evidently call the police. But because the police were too busy with “real” emergencies, Hilton did the next natural thing: twittered about it. The next day, this bloated my-little-pony excuse of a man recorded a 12-minute video diary on what went down the following day. He announced that he had an emotional boo-boo, but by the looks of it, it wasn’t covered by a Hello Kitty band-aid. There’s nothing sadder than seeing a 31-year-old act like a constipated 13-year-old.
Now Hilton is suing will.i.am and his manager with plans to donate his earnings to the Matthew Shepard Foundation. Funny enough, the organization will not accept his donation. They’re staying away from him as if his name was Octo-Mom. In a statement from the organization, “Because the lawsuit presumably involves a physical attack prompted by Mr. Hilton’s admitted use of an anti-gay slur, the Foundation will be unable to accept any funds obtained in such a manner.”
Court isn’t necessary, really. Just think about it: one’s a gossip gangster and one is straight up gangster. One is swagger-jackin’, the other has swagger. One hangs out with stars, the other is a star. One acts like a 13-year-old girl when he sees Brad Pitt with his shirt off, and the other does not. There is only one way to resolve this bitchfest and that’s through FightMagazine.com’s Celebrity Smackdown 2: Perez Hilton vs. will.i.am.
Let’s meet the players.
Perez Hilton
Fighting out of: Los Angeles, California by way of Miami, Florida
Nickname: The Gossip Gangster
Known for: Blogging and drawing trouser snakes on shoddy paparazzi photos
Corner (wo)Man: Lady Gaga
Weight: Somewhere in the 240 pound ballpark (Rough guess)
Height: Tall-er Age: 31
will.i.am.
Fighting out of: Los Angeles, California
Nickname: will.ur.not. or “that rapper guy from the Black Eyed Peas.”
Songs known for: “Hey Mama,” “Let’s Get Retarded” and “Boom Boom Pow”
Corner Man (and woman): Fergie and Justin Timberlake
Weight: 165 pound ballpark.
Height: 5’9″ Age: 34
How it goes down according to your BFF
Endurance: Perez Hilton is the lovechild of the Stay-Puff Marshmallow Man and the Green M&M you see on commercials, except he decided to become rebellious by dying his hair pink. Rebel. But dying your hair doesn’t change the fact that you’re fat and the Queen of [New]Media knows this so she, I mean he, has hit the treadmill lately. But will.i.am. is performing all the time and he needs some good cardio to get through concerts night in and night out. Plus, he is way thinner (and scarier looking) than P-Hill will ever be.
Endurance Advantage: will.i.am.
Strength: The gossip psychopath is definitely the bigger of the two. He is taller, flabbier and probably, as a result, stronger. will.i.am. isn’t feeble. Just Perez is bigger of the dos, and perhaps a little stronger.
Strength Advantage: Perez Hilton
Experience: will.i.am. grew up having to fight people. Perez doesn’t think violence is the answer, but that’s because he doesn’t know how to fight. Unless it’s behind a keyboard. In that case, he is an experience keyboard ninja.
Experience Advantage: will.i.am.
Training: The rapper/producer always stays in tip-top shape because of his touring schedule and promotions cycle. Plus he has three peas in his corner, as well as the streets and Justin Timberlake. Timberlake and Mr. “i.am” are also known to have intense dance offs in parking lots somewhere in British Columbia. That right there is dedication. Perez has a training partners that fits the size description of his BEP counterpart in Pete Wentz. But last week when Hilton originally blogged that Michael Jackson entering the hospital was a ploy to get out of doing his 50 dates in London, Wentz (and every other major blog site) has condemned the multi-colored fool. So who does he have now?
Training Advantage: will.i.am.
Hair & Fashion: I dig will’s threads more than I do Perez’s. But then again, the Queen of all Media has his own clothing line that teenage girls are mesmerized by. Is this really going to play a factor in the fight? Probably not, but Perez’s poisonous hairstyle (and hair color) could fuck up will.i.am’s sinuses.
Hair & Fashion Advantage: Perez Hilton
With that out of the way, let’s go to my esteem panel of judges to see how they think the fight will play out.
Jake Paine of HipHopDX.com - “will.i.am. has a wicked three-piece BOOM BOOM POW. That wins above Tweet. Click. Tweet.”
Rashaun Hall of RashaunHall.com – “I think it would be a toss up. On the one hand, Perez has the size. On the other hand, will.i.am. ‘should’ have the skill. For the sake of hip-hop (or what’s left of it), I will take will.i.am. by decision.”
Matt Brown of Fight! Magazine – “will.i.am. From his antics on stage, we would have to assume he is at least somewhat athletic. We know 100% he doesn’t spend his day behind a computer, so that also gives him the edge. “
Looks like the jury is out on this one.
The Verdict: They’re called the Black Eyed Peas for a reason: they give you black eyes and will.i.am. takes this with ease in the first round by brutal TKO
Who.would.you.pick? Share.your.thoughts.
Your BFF, Bear.Fuckin.Frazer.
2 Responses to “Celebrity Smackdown 2: Perez Hilton vs. will.i.am.”
haha been waiting to see something like this
Heroic statement: “This bloated my-little-pony excuse of a man…”
Oh, and will.i.am all day. And I don’t even like BEP. “I hope you’re all having a Fergilicious evening on this occasion. I got word of the day toilet paper and like to use the word’s everyday. Today’s word was….occasion.” – Doug Benson (paraphrased joke despite the quotations)